The memories will wane, the aftershocks remain...

So clearly I am useless at this blogging thing, it's so difficult to write about the past so I've decided to write about the present and slip the past in as and when necessary.

I had an amazing bank holiday weekend down in Falmouth visiting my friend's children. It was comforting being in a room where having anxiety and depression was the norm, we all understood each other, no one thought my actions were strange or worrying because we were all in the same position... But now I'm back in Wolverhampton.

Into the final few weeks of my degree and work is hectic, stress levels are high, workload is high, anxiety is high. Mood is low, I'm not sleeping properly because an increase in anxiety and stress means I have an increased number of nightmares,  less sleep means higher stress and anxiety so it's a vicious circle.

I keep having flashbacks where I can see a girl, I can see her clearly but I can't place who she is... Every time I try to focus and work out who this girl is it makes me feel faint and nauseous. Whenever I see her I can't breathe and my body is frozen in fear... Maybe I should go back on meds?

Let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start...

So I've been nicknamed Nemo since going to college because of a silly Facebook group along the lines of 'There's plenty of fish in the see...but you're my Nemo'. Cute, yes? 

So anyway, that's why the name of the blog...it's nothing to do with the film Finding Nemo, but I, like Nemo, am lost. So I've decided to blog my experiences of the last four years and share them with you...it may take me a while because I'm not sure whether this will help me or make me worse but there's only one way to find out...so here goes.

4 years ago, my life was pretty much perfect, I was engaged to my soul mate, planning to spend the rest of our lives together... You know the story, white picket fence, 2.4 children... Very Audrey and Seymour out of Little Shop of Horrors. I couldn't be happier...

...or so I thought. Then we found out I was expecting, for the first time ever I felt that my life was going how it should. All I'd ever wanted was coming true, we kept the news to ourselves because we didn't know how to tell people, despite being so excited, after all, I was eighteen and in the middle of college.

Then just 9 days after all of this elation, my world came crashing down around me, I was bleeding and in excruciating pain, I was losing our baby...

I felt empty, lost, like a failure of a woman and I've never felt the same since. I didn't know what to do, I was scared and vulnerable and no one in the world could stop the pain I was feeling, the physical pain, although excruciating was bearable but the emotional pain and scars are still as raw today. Everyday I have to get out of bed and paint a smile on my face, but that day, my world ended.

I can't write anymore now, it's killing me. Today is Mother's Day and I would give nothing more than to hold my child just once x I love you angel x